Mistrust. Now What?

Unfortunately, dishonesty and infidelity is a dilemma that dates back to biblical times.  So what do you do when the one you love has betrayed you?  Well, I've played that scenario out in my mind countless times, trying to prepare myself for what I believe to be inevitable, especially in today's society.  I'm sure that's not a healthy way of living or an advantageous thought process to have, but I feel in some ways it has prepared me for something that might ultimately materialize.


Because I am an analytical person by nature, the prep work I've done in case this arises, involves breaking my thought processes into three sections: (1) I have to decide if the relationship is worth saving - if not, number 2 and 3 won't matter (2) be able to listen to what he has to say and (3) forgive and someday forget.  When something traumatic like this happens, all logical and rational thoughts escape you, which is why I felt compelled to write this.  My hope is that after you read it, you'll be able to reflect back and take a logical approach as opposed to an emotional one.  I am also hoping I can do the same if one day faced with this issue.

Whether you've been married for 20 years or just dating, the length or seriousness of the relationship doesn't make it any easier to deal with, so first decide if you want to stay.  Create a list so that you can understand what you want and expect from the relationship.  You may uncover your reasons for staying are due to fear of being alone, or your belief that you won't find another person who wants to be with you.  If that's the case, hopefully the decision to leave will be easier.  But, if you discover there is more joy than sorrow and you want to work it out, then it is time to listen to what he has to say.

Talk about your feelings and how their actions affected you.  Then talk about his and what may have lead him to this life-altering decision because every broken relationship had a point where the strife began.  The first harsh word, the first fight, and you were unaware at the time that the end usually starts in the beginning.  Once you talk, the possibility of identifying areas of improved communication may be brought to light.  Focusing on the solution is better than focusing on the "why," because I can assure you, you may never know exactly why your partner decided to cheat.  Further, most of the time cheating is just a symptom of a deeper-rooted issue.  Figure out the reasons that brought your relationship to this place, explore them, and do your best to rectify them as a couple.

One of the most integral parts of reconciliation is forgiveness.  If you've made the decision to stay, you have to be fair.  Before they ask for it, before you feel it... Forgive; it's the gateway to happiness and healing.

There is so much more that goes into fixing a relationship that is broken.  At least if you have a blueprint on how you could possibly approach it, you won't let these now exposed lies diminish your strength, self-esteem, and the very core of who you are as a person, because, you're incredible... 

(Hugs)